Waves of Existence

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Having two different personalities in life can be very difficult for me. It may sound ridiculous but, whenever I ask my friends or even anyone on their first impression about me, they'd say: "Weird. I see your personality as somewhat weird". Though I too, see it myself that i have a different kind of personality, one that would be considered as inevitable as i mature in my day-to-day existence, it is saddening in my part as well that i have this character in me that leads to depression and despair.

I frequently think of certain things that contributes to my mood changing from happy to gloomy. I'm a prisoner of my own imagination. Sometimes, i see that there is no such significance in me while I live in this world. I have that kind of thought. Such an act continues to haunt me and there are times I sulk in one corner, or even, I isolate myself from the people around me.

My introvert side has been a negative factor to my existence. On the other hand, my extrovert side does the same.

Some say that when a person is extremely happy on the outside, in the sense that that human being laughs a lot and jokes a lot, he/she then, is sad on the inside. To be honest, my extrovert side & my way on socializing with people has been a negative factor as well, because of the fact that I think of many ways about how I'm supposed to continue living up the life these living creatures see in me, when in fact in my head I am in total misery. My ambivertness shows no good in it.

I want to take a break

from the outside world that gave me so much sadness and sorrow
I cannot hide the pain anymore
it hurts so much that sometimes
I just stare out in the open
thinking of the reasons
why I'm sad.

As I contemplate on life itself, I realized that I usually overthink of various stuff as to why in the end I always feel so depressed and in pain. Looking at the ceiling, embracing the presence of the darkness when night falls, that's when I only find the peace I've been desperately looking for. I've always been searching, seeking for the life that I wanted to have. Yet this part of me that tells me not to look for it and just cuddle in one corner, creates in me self-doubt and the essence of confidence fading continues to haunt my existence leading to a black hole of depression.

Sometimes, after all the stress and the hectic schedules you're having, it aint bad when you go out of your comfort zone and explore new things, right? So, in this entry, i'm going to share my experiences from my recent trip to Ilocos and Baguio a week ago.

It's the beginning of the Holiday season. You feel the cold December air, wearing sweaters and jackets. You finally had the time to relax and just have fun. Its a holiday vacation, i'd say. So, just last week, a Sunday, December 20th, I started packing my things and fixed my bags and stuff for I am heading towards a new place, yet to be discovered. It was a Sunday evening, my relatives started coming into my house one by one. We all had a great chitchat. Until it hit us. We all must leave at 1am for the Ilocos trip. It wasn't all that easy. Problems arose, but in the end, all of us went to our respective vehicles and fled on our way to a province known for its various beautiful itineraries. They told me: "the family that stays together, are happy together" and so it happened.

Despite the blurry plans, we all headed to Ilocos. Left home at 3:30AM, we had to count the hours that went passing by. (Because, we went to Ilocos by car, and thats something very serious because of the longevity of the time on the road.) Basically, we were on the road a Monday, December 21st. And, to be honest, its a very tiring day. Why? Would you imagine yourself sitting in your place inside the car for like, 18 hours straight? From Manila to Pagudpud. Thats like ohmygosh i'd rather take a plane instead.

Imagine this, from Manila to the northern most tip of the Philippines, you'd be driving all day? Thats torture. So, my first day was literally on the road until we finally reached our destination in Pagudpud. Time check? 9:30PM. Monday, December 21st. Its been 18 hours on the road. Literally. And i just got the taste of bed and sleep when 10PM struck. First day on the road- not so good. They say: "Pagudpud= Pagod (tired) + pudpud ang pwet (butt sitting too long aching so much)" that was supposedly a joke shared by all of us cousins just so we could cheer ourselves up.

Dawn is approaching. The night is about to end. I was awakened with a chill in my body. I felt cold. Its still early. 6AM. Went out of the house and noticed my cousins went to discover the place and the ocean for themselves. I followed them and i was very much fascinated with the view that i saw. God's creation. A new day. What a beautiful sunrise. I took photos. I just couldnt risk myself not being able to take a picture of the beautiful horizon. My favorite part of the trip. Looking at the sky. The pretty sky. The wonderful sunrise and the fantastic sunset. Its been a great Tuesday morning, indeed. December 22nd, 6:00AM. After all the photoshoots and whatnot. Time for breakfast. Scrambled eggs and coffee. Mmm favorite. 😌 then, hours passed by. We went for a swim *me and my 3 cousins and my sister too* at the most beautiful resort i have ever seen. Hannah's was the name. I thought to myself: "man, i am literally at the northern most tip of the country. Relaxing and just swimming." The water was freezing cold i'll tell you. But it was great. My relatives looked for a new place for us to stay and this time, we came to a more private beach resort. Peaceful and quiet.

We stayed there for another night, and we took photos (yet again) and appreciated the view once more. After moving to the new place, for us not to waste time, we toured around Ilocos. Went to Kapurpurawan Rock Formation, with some Windmills around it. And what moved me the most was when sunset came. It was the most beautiful sunset i have ever seen. You dont usually see those sunsets in Manila because the sky is mostly covered with buildings and such. God's creation. Again. It was so beautiful that i had to take so many photos of it for it moved me and it became my favorite part of the whole trip. Just watching the sun set through the horizon and in the ocean. After my Day 2 adventure, night came. Slept peacefully, time flies. Dawn came again. A Wednesday this time, December 23rd. 7AM wake up call. First things first. We went for an early swim, took a while though because of photoshoots and such. Went back to the house at like, 9AM. We need to be hurry today. Before lunch, *11AM* we were all done and finished, ready to leave. And so we left Pagudpud this time, went to the La Paz Sand Dunes.

Took a while because of the longevity of the travel on the road. But we made it. Lunch time. It was definitely a thrilling experience. Super extreme and epic failures while sand boarding lmao. After the Sand Dunes thing, we went to President Ferdinand Marcos' museum and I also saw his real body in a masoleum. I was so curious about his figure. I kept asking the guards if that body was his real body- they all said yes. I learned so much about Marcos' presidency during the 60s until late 80s. Last stop for the day is Vigan- the most popular place in Ilocos. They say "you havent been to Ilocos if you didnt visit Vigan- the ever famous "Calle Crisologo". We went there when night fell. Roamed around and took photos of the beautiful Calle Crisologo. And ate dinner within the vicinity of the famous street. Its been a very tiring day, yet again. And our plans to go to Baguio went into a blurry one- again.

So, we found a new place to stay in Vigan- near Calle Crisologo and its a convenient one. Another day passed. Waking up to a cold Thursday morning. I was freezing cold. I got up at 4:30AM. Fixed myself then all of us attended a worship service in Vigan City. After the worship service, we went back to our place, ate breakfast, then took a rest for hours. All we know was that we will be going back to Manila that time, a Thursday, December 24th. When night fell, we stopped by a gas station. They all decided to continue going to Baguio at that time of the night. And so we did. We reached Baguio after an hour and a half, feeling the cold air finally. And found another place for us to stay. Its been 13 years since i last visited Baguio City. I was only 5 years old that time. And now, i'm 18. And i came back after so many years. The place itself changed. Its overpopulated. Crowded. Full of people. Unlike before. But, its been a great feeling coming back after all these years.

We strolled around Burnham park at 2AM on a Friday morning, December 25th. (We dont celebrate Christmas okay) its so cold out there, but i enjoyed it. Took some sleep later on, then the sun shines through the curtains of our room. 7AM. December 25th. We went to Minesview park and the PMA as they call it (its Philippine Military Academy). After a tiring day in Baguio, we went home. (This time, we found another new place to stay.) Notice here that we kept moving places, its kinda frustrating too but we don't have a choice. After a hard day's adventure. I had a chitchat with my cousins until 12AM of December 26th, a Saturday. After the chitchat thing, we had to prepare now because we are headed home to Manila now. And so we left Baguio at estimately 10AM to 12NN. We went back to Manila at exactly 4:45PM. Traffic on the way thats why. But, with all honesty, i'd say i didnt enjoy my vacation that much although i loved the photos i took. Lessons learned. But, overall, its still a good vacation. Next year, hopefully, we'll go abroad na. Haha.

Oh, almost forgot. Here are some of the photos i took from my recent trip.

Thank you very much for your patience in reading my very long adventures in Ilocos and Baguio. Haha. Until next time. And a Happy New Year to everyone who's reading this!
If you like to see more of my photos from my Ilocos and Baguio trip, you could see it on my Facebook account, don't worry, my facebook account's here on the blog, you can just see it right away. ☺

Since i have been busy a lot lately and i've been itching to make a new entry, i finally found my free time for me to make a book review. Sounds, exciting right? But, here's the thing. I have dedicated myself in reading this particular book that was written by Haruki Murakami for about 2-3 days or so, and now i am going to share my thoughts and opinions about the book: Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage.

You might ask, why that title?

You see, the title itself, it has a huge message in it. Symbolically, the title Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki has been mentioned at the beginning of the story. And His Years of Pilgrimage was mentioned during the middle parts of the book.

Short summary?
It was during his sophomore year in college, Tsukuru, a 20 year-old man when he thought of dying. You might ask why would he think of death? Does he have a lingering illness whatsoever? Is he depressed?
Well, he is depressed. Because he was abandoned by his 4 friends. Those of whom, have been his bestfriends, the most important people in the world for him. But for such unknown reasons, he was cut off all of a sudden when the time he came home in his hometown in Nagoya from his school in Tokyo. I'd like to stress here that his 4 friends, their names represented a color in the Japanese language. Aka, represents red. Ao, means blue. Shiro, defines the color white, and Kuro means black. And then there came Tsukuru. Amongst the 5 of them Tsukuru is the only one without a color representing in his name. So that's the answer to one question that, why is the title Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki. That's the answer. Although, to answer your other question, what's the meaning of Tsukuru then? If his 4 friends' name meant that it represents a color, What's Tsukuru? In japanese, Tsukuru means to "build" or to "make". A perfect name for his abilities, Tsukuru loves making railroad stations in Japan. That's why he studied engineering in Tokyo because he wanted to build railroad stations.

He was depressed, and in the first 5 months of his day-day living, all he did was to sit down and face the wall and think of death. He did his daily routines, yes. But he felt numb. All he wanted to do was to find a door that leads to death. But one night, as he was also bothered by his series of dreams, he dreamt of a powerful feeling, a negative feeling. He felt jealousy. And that drove him to completely change his physical well-being. After 5 months, he went to the gym, started working out, and he totally underwent that physical change. And from that moment, he moved on with his life. 16 years has passed since his tragic suffering, he now works at a railroad company in Tokyo, he lived quietly, peacefully since then. But hold on, i am not going to continue telling the story. I want you to find it out yourself. It's a very beautiful story, honestly. While there still remains an unanswered question, i'll answer that. Why His Years of Pilgrimage then? Well that. He's a 36-year old man now, and during the time he was in his apartment, he heard this piano piece titled "Years of Pilgrimage" (i forgot the french title of it but, that's the english translation) and he suddenly remembered that that song was played by one of his friends in Highschool, Shiro to be specific. And he loved that piece, for it gave him peace and content. You'll have to read the book for you to dig down deeper on how the story went.

In conclusion, the book itself, it made me cry at the ending of the story. It was so beautiful yet there came the short cliff-hanger moment. But generally speaking, that book became my favorite novel. The flow of the story, the deepness of it. All so well written. So, even at this point, i am highly recommending this to all book readers and to those who are interested as well. You'll love the story i promise.
And that sums up my book review for Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage. I'm sorry i was not able to fully jot down the whole story. I want everyone to feel the story to themselves.
Read it. You won't regret it.
- Elaine

A word so simple yet it's profoundness knows no bounds. It's an element in which people thirst for even until the contemporary period. Whether we talk of revolutions or wars, we all want freedom. Even in the present day. We are hungry for freedom.
Some say that too much freedom can lead to being liberated when it comes to people's ordinary day to day living. But i'm not saying i am against liberated people. I have a huge respect for them.
You might ask, of all the beautiful topics to talk about, did i pick freedom as something to discuss. Well i have been thirsty for freedom myself, and i just wanted to share my feelings why i am aiming for freedom so much that i even have to talk it over here.

I belong to a family who's life has been very stable and peaceful- but i'm not saying i'm from a rich family, no. Just stable and can sustain our daily needs.
But my situation is so hard to explain especially that people in the world have different norms and whether we like it or not, not everyone will accept my situation. So i'd rather just make it general.

Here's the point. I understand my priorities and on what i should put first in my life, yes. But there are times i just want to do what i want in life. Like, i want to attend my classes. I don't want to skip even just one subject. But all of a sudden i'm faced with one challenging situation- and that is to skip all my classes and not attend 'em. I know. Sounds bad right? I don't want to drop the bomb on the main reason why because it's kind of personal and people would just tell me different opinions otherwise, but what i'm trying to say is that in my 18 years of living, (yes, i'm 18.)i just want to taste the freedom without any restriction or constraint. I understand everything that's been happening in my life but i know that i'm not the only one who wants to experience freedom without any boundaries. My story's like this book that i'm currently reading- Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage, wherein there's a part that it mentions about freedom without any constraint. Living the life without restriction or anything that limits us from doing what we want.
I know, i have a messy head. I'm always confused. But in this world, there are things that are very confusing and there are times when we don't really find the answers to any questions we usually encounter ourselves with. So, in any given situation, we definitely seek for freedom, in different ways.

In conclusion to this entry i just want to express my feelings towards freedom. I have deep respect for people who thirst for liberty. For our own rights. For freedom. Living without constraint. Without any restriction. Enjoying the life we have. No worries to think of. No boundaries to face. Because i myself experienced restriction and the limitations in life and to be honest, i just hope that someday soon, i'll finally reach the freedom that i deserve, one that i am sure that there arent any limitations to it.
-Elaine

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Waves of Existence

Gathered Thoughts

My Life as an Ambivert

Wednesday

Travel Diaries: Elayne Travels in Ilocos & Baguio 2015

Book Reviews: Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage

Freedom

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